Family constellations as a tool for processing infant loss

This last weekend, during a session with one of my clients, I facilitated a family constellation, for processing infant loss. M. had approached me to explore why she felt so triggered about the fact that she only recently, had discovered that her mother had delivered twin babies, that passed suddenly after birth. These babies were her mother’s firstborns, she then proceeded to have her brother and then her. She had recently become a mother herself and the birth of her son was described by her, as being a traumatic one. She felt that these babies should have been given their space in their family and were worth being celebrated. However, whenever talking about this she always become visibly agitated and angered, so she though a further exploration was definitely in order.

If you’re not familiar with what a family constellation is, let me provide you with a brief intro to the topic.  It is often referred to as systemic constellation work or family systems therapy, is a therapeutic approach aimed at uncovering hidden dynamics within families or other systems. It originated from Bert Hellinger's work in the 20th century and draws from various psychological and philosophical principles. In a family constellation session, participants typically arrange representatives (this can be an object, a person and can be done in person or online) to stand in for family members or elements of a system. Through this process, underlying patterns, entanglements, and unresolved issues within the family system can be revealed and explored. The goal is to bring awareness to these dynamics and facilitate healing and resolution, ultimately fostering healthier relationships and personal growth within the family unit.

In this session that took place online, I started by asking M to assigning a shape and colour to represent a member of each of her family members of origin. She proceeded to assign one for her  mother and father, one for herself and her brother, but then she hesitated when she had to assign one for her twin siblings.

Through some exploration and attempts of assigning them a place, she eventually landed in a position that stroke me as curious one, she had in a certain way connected one twin to her and another to her brother, and when I probed further, asking her to reflect on the choice and seeing if she could connect to her own body to explore her feelings about this location, she describe a choking sensation, and felt that she was running out of air. Once I lead her back to a safe place, she then reflected further and shared that the little information that she had gathered about the passing of her siblings was that they had passed away due to lack of oxygen.

She was surprised in how she could connect so deeply to her siblings, to the point of feeling it so deeply and physically, since she only recently had found out about their existence.

The fact is, that even though in her own perception she only recently had found out of their existence, in some unconscious level, she must have always known.

From what she had told me, her mother never talked about it, and even know that her daughter knew about it, when questioned further about the topic, her mother retracts and prefers not to talk about it, allowing me to form an educated guess that her mother had never really processed the loss of her children. Having been in the presence and felt second hand the loss of a child, it is a grief that is palpable, it feels the room, sucks the air and numbs the senses.

Un unprocessed trauma like this, will forever live inside someone, and unconsciously change the way that they parent their other children.

The mother that carries such an event will probably be much more stressed during her future gestations and births, segregating levels of cortisol. When her baby then arrives, she will probably live in a state of high alert, making sure that her baby is safe. There will be abundant love for her new baby, but in her subconscious mind there will always be some level of sorrow. And the baby that is an extension of her mother in these first few years of their lives, will pick un on these mixed cues of sadness, happiness, loss, joy, therefore establishing an anxious attachment style.

So you see, even if M never met, or never heard of her siblings, in reality she always knew of their existence, in these moments that she could catch a glimpse of sorrow through her mothers eyes.

Perhaps asking a mother to process and accept the loss of their babies, is a very tall order to ask, and one that can generate conflicting emotions, because it is almost as denying their existence. However, finding some peace within the sorrow, is a more manageable task, and one that most would be open to. In this way, mothers can protect the legacy of their lost babies, and can share it with the future generations.

These are my interpretations from my lived and professional experience and in no way meant to be a educational or diagnostic to be used as a generalised manner, each individual is unique and both their internal and external landscape can offer a different outcome. There is also considerations to be done at a spiritual level, but as this is not my field of expertise I will leave my thoughts on this out.

The thing is, by processing these kind of life events, despite the sorrow and pain that it might awaken while going through it, it will eventually be replaced by other more manageable feelings, leading to a place of peace and restoring the body and mind to homeostasis.

  If you would like to explore this therapeutic method as well as others to process your own loss or birth trauma, please reach out and we can explore this together.